Four Weddings? One is Sufficient!

     I've seen many marriages go into a state of stagnancy or 'just getting by'. A significant number of them have ended up in divorces. I am guessing that the divorce statistics in various developed or developing countries are similar, whether they are from different cultures, race or languages. Somehow, once a couple got married, the 'magical feeling' quickly left and things started to go stale and dull. Heck, I even experienced it myself. I do not claim to be a marriage 'guru' so why do I write about this? It is because I'm learning how to 'make marriage work' as well and by writing what I have learnt, it gives me extreme clarity on what to do next. As they say, you learn best when you teach. Note that what I'm sharing is mainly based upon Tony Robbins work. So here goes my two cents worth.

I think marriage issues or whatever social conditions boil down to human psychology and basic human make-up. If we truly understand what we are made up of, and if we truly made the effort, I believe every marriage can work fine, and return to that initial passionate state too. Tony Robbins, after years of study on relationships, says that all human beings have six needs that need to be met in order to achieve fulfillment. They are needs of certainty or comfort, uncertainty, significance, love or connection, growth and finally the need to contribute. I am assuming that these needs come after the basic survival need is met. So in order to live a happy and fulfilling life, most or all of these needs have to be met. What happens if they are not met, say if one does not have certainty, he will live in fear and insecurity of the future. If one does not experience uncertainty, he will 'die' of boredom and routine. If one does not feel significant, he will lose his self esteem and confidence. And it goes on and on.

Therefore in marriage context, the two people actually become 'one', one person's life fully dependent or tied to another. And so the same basic needs are to be met by one another in a particular marriage for that marriage to stay strong and passionate. If one or more needs are not met within the marriage, your spouse will look outside the marriage for them to be met in one way of another. Do take note that although all of us have the same six needs; they are in different sequence of priorities. And this is the important point; this sequence makes a world of difference within the marriage. Just look at an example below.

Tom and Jenny are husband and wife. Tom has his top two needs as follows: significance and uncertainty while Jenny ones are: love and certainty. Due to the fact that they do not understand each other's priorities, their marriage suffers. Tom loves Jenny but shows it by buying her material gifts and providing for the home above and beyond what is needed. He thought by giving her abundance, she will be fulfilled. As a result, he often works late, has varied schedules daily and thereby contributing to uncertainty in Jenny's life. So Jenny's top two needs are not met. On the other hand, Jenny showered Tom with care and concern. She loves routine and stability and so she thought Tom is happy with the way things are as well. She always thought she knew best for the home and often dismissed Tom's suggestions in their daily decision making. As a result, Tom did not feel significant in the marriage and felt increasingly 'bored' at the routine he was experiencing at home. Since both of them do not have their top two needs met within the marriage, they looked for them outside. Thus the marriage was strained.

So the lesson here is to meet each other's basic needs within the marriage. This takes special and additional effort from both parties. But the first important step is to understand the psychology behind how God made us, then we are off to a great head start. Start think of what your spouse's top two needs are, verify with him or her, and start acting! Marriage can definitely work and return to its former glory!

Copyright (c) 2013 Ray Pee

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Posted on 2013-09-13, By: *

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